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Dipped In It

Dipped In It

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“Mom, I’m trying to take your picture but there’s this light that won’t go away.” “Let me see,” I said. “Oh, that’s just Papa.” ❤️

This has been a really hard week. Every morning, after dropping my children off at school with warm smiles and I love you’s, I have cried for the entire thirty minute drive to work. Then I have taken some deep breaths, and carried on. Laying in bed the other night listening to a raging storm outside, I felt equally chaotic and unsettled within myself. Something is happening. It is an uncomfortable sensation of pain and discomfort, like a writhing of my soul within my body. A feeling so uncomfortable that my chest feels ready to burst open—just so that I may let myself out. Let her out. Yes. I remember this feeling. It is this feeling that I get when I am about to welcome a new iteration of me. Her arrival is never a subtle one. But in the end, I’m always grateful to meet her. Photo by @betty.lou.harvey #dippedinit #letthetearsflow #change #butterfly #metamorphosis #personalgrowth #ivegotthis #women #power

“I just feel so sad today,” I said. “I’m trying to snap out of it.” “Why?” she asked. “Why not just let yourself be sad?” UMM...BECAUSE IT’S FUCKING UNCOMFORTABLE? It isn’t even that. Sure, it is uncomfortable—sadness. But it’s the guilt. And the goddam shoulds. I hate those motherfuckers. Does anyone else like to pour guilt onto their sadness? Like a generous helping of a lovely little condiment? Does anyone else feel, in their lowest moments, like it’s necessary to remind themselves that they are ungrateful sons o bitches? Let me tell you...it’s SUPER HELPFUL. Goes something like this... Me: Wow, I feel really sad today. Also Me: Sad? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? You—with the beautiful, healthy children? You—with the great job? You—with the wonderful, supportive family? You—with the great friends? You—with the beautiful home? Me: ummmm...yeah. I have learned that the only way out—is through. I KNOW THIS. And yet. And yet I have such intolerance for it. Still. Such a lack of self compassion. And I have to stop and remind myself ONCE AGAIN that feeling anger, sadness, grief, longing—feeling any and all of these miserable emotions DOES NOT MEAN I AM UNGRATEFUL. I am as grateful as the day is long. And also—SAD. #dippedinit #sadness #depression #drseuss #elephantjournal #shoulds #gratitude #selfcompassion #itsokaytofeel

My dryer has died. Yesterday I brought my wet clothes over to a friend's house. I put the laundry in her dryer, and sat down next to her on the couch with my laptop. She was on hers. We had just caught up the night before over dinner, and so she managed a warm greeting without skipping a beat on the work she was doing. We sat there for an hour or two, side my side, exchanging very few words. Then she got up, took out my laundry and folded it for me. When I got home I sent her a text saying thank you, and that I appreciated her quiet company. Laughing, she asked if that was a backhanded compliment. It wasn't. I realized, as a single adult, how little time I ever spend with other adults in which we are not expected to entertain each other—over a meal, or a drink. We don't often simply sit, in a warm company, and...be. (Wait—I think I finally understand why men like fishing.) Thinking about it some more today, it occurred to me that some of the saddest times for me in my marriage were when we would sit in silence, across the room from each other, each on our laptops. Worlds apart. Why did I like it so much yesterday, with my friend? Sitting in silence is actually lovely—when the silence is not born of our inability to communicate. It's the difference between sitting together in mutual comfort, and sitting together in mutual loneliness. (There is no lonelier lonely). When I think about getting into a relationship again I worry about that sad, lonely silence. It haunts me. But maybe it isn't the silence that I fear at all. Maybe it is the unbearable weight of what goes unsaid—when we feel that we are not enough to fill the room, and we haven't yet learned that we shouldn't have to. #dippedinit #divorce #loneliness #silence #quiet #friendship #theweight #heavy

(Note to Self) I woke up pretty cranky today. Some events and relationships have been creating stress within me these last few weeks. I am both privileged with and humbled by being in a position where my decisions impact the lives of people around me. People I love. As a mother/ex-wife/co-parent and as a boss—my actions have a ripple effect. Many decisions are overthought TO DEATH as I consider them from every angle, each perspective...from within each pair of shoes. I exhaust myself. Truly. So today—cranky. Oh, the burden of being important to people, right? Poor me with the full life. (Rolls eyes.) I padded downstairs. Lit the fire. Poured some coffee. Overthought some more. Stop it, Bethany. Just breathe. Open your heart. You already know the next right thing to do. Just lead with love, you fucker. #dippedinit #kindness #leadwithlove #snapoutofit #thenextrightthing #ivegotthis #momboss #mothering #ladyleader

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