You’d think I’d know by now that this is not a linear journey.

Sometimes I feel so confident that I am heading in the right direction, only to find myself once again lost in emotion. When this happens I feel disoriented, frustrated, and even a bit embarrassed. 

Why embarrassed?

Well, because I have been writing this blog, you see…about depression, pain and grief, and…sometimes I tell you I have it handled…and then that feels like a lie when I suddenly…umm…

Don’t.

A couple of months ago I was having a bit of an anxiety attack and my friend, Liz, said to me, “You should read some of your blogs.” I looked up at her prepared to see a sarcastic smirk on her face (she’s a bit of a saucy Englishwoman) but my gaze was met with complete sincerity. “I’m serious,” she said. “You have some great advice.”

I laughed awkwardly, not knowing what to make of that.  Am I so full of shit that I either can’t take my own advice – or worse, I don’t even remember what my advice was?

Life can be confusing sometimes, and other times the answers seem so obvious. The problem is that when life becomes hard and confusing, we often completely forget what those obvious answers were…and we become lost.

It’s really all a big maze, isn’t it?

Life is a labyrinth.

img_4673

Wall painting from Sibbo church, Finland, 15th century. “Lady of the Labyrinth”

Sometimes the way out seems very clear…we may even begin to gleefully run in what we believe to be the right direction.  Other times we keep coming up against barriers and walls, and thinking to ourselves,

“Wait, haven’t I been here before?

This looks familiar.

Ummm…did I just go in a circle…again?”

Yes, we have…and yes we did. Often we come up against the same barriers again and again, and we have to remember how it was that we escaped them the last time, and the time before that…and the time before that. Or maybe…just maybe…we try a new path.

There is no way out, for the labyrinth is of our own making…and as such it is ever-changing, ever-evolving, ever-teaching. 

We will never be free until we cease to be living, breathing, feeling humans.

There are many who say that it’s best to reach a place in life wherein we meet everything with which we are presented with an even expression, an even keel…to keep our composure whether faced with a clear path or a wall before us,

But…

I actually like being a deeply feeling person. I would never give up my highs in order to not have to feel the lows.  I’d rather feel lost and frustrated at times if it means I get to  feel the exhilaration of those moments when the path seems so clear.  

Surviving the difficult days is what makes the blissful ones, well…blissful. 

Perhaps it’s all about getting to a place wherein the clear paths and the obstacles are met not necessarily with the same emotional response, but with the same respect.

Each one is a teacher.

They are all part of the human experience…

Here in the labyrinth of life.

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