Sometimes I find it really hard to write the blog because my head is so filled with something that I don’t want to share, either because it’s too mortifying (yeah, there’s stuff in here I don’t share – scary considering all I do share, I know) or because I feel like people are tired of my whining.
I really don’t walk around like Eeyore all the time. Life goes on. I mean, I smile and laugh and carry on with my day, almost always…but sometimes the core of me is just really sad and writing anything other than that seems inauthentic. This blog is supposed to reflect how I really feel. It’s supposed to be about all of the stuff that is percolating under the surface, threatening to suffocate me if I don’t get it out.
Yet – how many blogs can I write about losing my dad?
Well….quite a few, as it turns out…but how many will you want to read?
It’s then that I have to stop and remind myself why I started doing this to begin with – not for you, but for me. So, I’ll write. I’ll purge. I’ll let it out.
(Still, somehow I feel like I owe you an apology. Like I’ve lured you into a dramatic film and you’re kind of stuck here waiting for the happy ending so you don’t have to go to bed sad.)
They kept my dad heavily sedated (can you believe they can sedate someone who is already unconscious? Oh, the things you learn…).
They had to do this because he was having seizures, constantly – petit mal – the kind you can’t see. The doctor described them as electrical storms in his brain. They didn’t want the storms to (further) damage his brain, so they sedated him to stop them.
The problem was, with the heavy sedation they couldn’t tell whether there was any “normal” brain function.
So we had to wait, and wait. They’d cut back the sedatives, and the storm would begin again…so they’d put him back on them…again…and again.
The entire week – this week last year – we were in this horrifying purgatory…and we all keep having flashbacks.
Both of my brothers called me today, and I talked with them each only for a few minutes as I was at work. At a certain point in each conversation, someone needed my attention and I said, “I’ve gotta go, I love you,” when what I wanted to say was…
I’m there too.
I’m right there with you.
I’m watching my tears drip onto his impossibly warm hand.
I’m soaring at the sight of his suddenly open eyes, only to realize they see nothing.
I’m sitting on the cold floor in the corridor, because it is somehow less depressing than the waiting room.
I’m sitting in the hospital chapel, embarrassed by the fact that my first real talk with God is happening here – in a glorified closet – after all of the hallowed places I’ve been.
I’m there, in the cold conference room with too many chairs, waiting to hear them say what we already know.
I’m there, wanting to throttle the neurologist with the nervous habit of smirking while she says the worst things a person can say. Doesn’t she know her words cut like knives?
I’m there, but I also have to be here – today.
So, life goes on…despite the storms in my brain.
Dad, I’ve gotta go…I love you.