Lately, with all of the turmoil in my life, I have yearned for stability…or as my friend Melissa so perfectly said, “I am really looking forward to life getting boring.”
I wrote recently about The Nothing, and about how it is a lack of imagination about the future – a fear of what’s next. In beginning to pull out of that, I find myself leaping past balance and into excitement and maybe even anticipation. It is a most unexpected but welcome feeling.
You see, I’ve had a little spark of feeling for someone. This person is not meant for me, so this isn’t about him – it’s about me being woken up.
I had a literal Aha moment…in my car.
I had to pull over.
I suddenly felt awake to what’s possible…to what I’ve been missing…to what I want. I want someone who is thoughtful…someone who notices. I think I have grown so accustomed to being a giver (in my marriage, in my work, and in my home as a mother, of course) that it ceased to occur to me that I deserve that in return.
I want emotional and intellectual connectedness…and most of all to feel understood. I want someone who is not only able to communicate their thoughts and feelings but who wants to do so…someone who values the exchange.
I saw an old friend the other day, someone I adore whom I hadn’t seen in a couple of years. Afterward he texted, “Being with you feels like home.”
I want that…and also, I want fire. I know passion isn’t the most sustainable commodity, but you know what? It is fun.
So, YES to the feeling of coming home…and to fun AND to fire.
In buddhism they say that desire is the root of all misery. The point being that we must be happy with what we have, and not to live perpetually in a state of wanting.
I think I’ll try both, for now…living in a state of contentment, and still holding space for desire.
Now that I’m aware of what I truly want and deserve for myself, I have faith that it will show up.