This blog has felt therapeutic and cathartic to me in my grieving process. I love (and hate) the process of calling out my demons – fear, anxiety, shame, and sadness. By saying, “I SEE YOU!” and shining light upon them, I feel as though I rob them of some of their power. It doesn’t change the fact that those feelings live within me, but calling them out allows me to take back some control. It feels like calling out a bully.
At the same time I don’t want to keep the spotlight on them – on those bullies.
They are a part of me but they are not me. I am so much more. In fact, looking back at my 44 years, the times I have been ensconced in these weighty emotions is but a blip. These feelings are very much a product of my experiences of late, and not predominantly what lives within me at my core. I know this to be the truth.
I have always had much more joy than angst (believe it or not).
So, my path to healing begins with making peace with the parts of me I do not love. Calling out the bullies, and perhaps even thanking them for illuminating so many things. Next, I can show fear, anxiety, shame and sadness that while they may bask in the spotlight now and again, they have never been, nor will they ever be, the stars of the show.
A few cameos, perhaps. That’s all.
In some ways I don’t get to write my own story. The plot keeps twisting and turning, often without my consent. I don’t always get to choose which characters show up, but…
I can choose who holds the spotlight.