Day 232/365 The War Begins Within


Boy, I am just really not good at them. Well…that isn’t entirely true. My dad often commented that I should have followed his footsteps into law like my older brother. I can see a problem from many sides, and I am able to debate well.

As you might have guessed I do this best in writing, or at least after I have had a chance to mull it over. I can be pretty quick-witted with humor, but when difficult emotions are involved, I often go blank. I wish to just curl up in the corner in the fetal position and wait until it’s over.

Anything but the discomfort of discourse.

Fight or flight?

How about hibernate? Is that an option?

It’s kind of a tie for which makes me feel more uncomfortable – the idea that I may have upset someone I care about, or the need to own my own feelings of anger in relation to someone I love.

I don’t think I was always this way. Somewhere along the line I learned it was pointless to engage. When anger and pain are repeatedly pushed down until they have nowhere to go…it changes you. The muscles of communication (within a conflict) begin to atrophy.

I know I have to work on rehabilitating those muscles….

Because sometimes conflicts just end up being misunderstandings.  Other times a compromise can be reached. Sometimes the conversation leaves everyone at a stale mate…but at least everyone feels heard.

Any of the above is, in the long run, a much better outcome than that which avoidance (aka hibernation) would bring.

Hibernation gives us a lot of time to make up stories about what the other person is thinking…or about what they had intended to express. It allows time for wounds to fester…and what a huge waste of time that is – especially when you discover a conflict could have been easily resolved.

I know all of this and it is still a battle for me to confront conflict head on. Hmm, that’s an interesting flow of words…

“A battle to confront conflict”

It seems…the war begins within.