Over the past 223 days, I think I have missed four here on the blog. Four days that I didn’t write anything for you (or for me?). Two of those days have been in the past week.

My brain feels a bit like it is firing on overload. I have had so much going on that it feels like..well, it feels like complete chaos in my brain. I am often in a state of anxiety about remembering everything I have to do. I write everything down so I will remember, but it doesn’t quiet the constant chatter in my head.

What’s next, what’s next, what’s next…don’t forget, don’t forget…

At night I feel exhausted, and sometimes I feel like I just can’t organize my thoughts into something worthwhile to share with you. So I have given myself permission not to try…or at least, to try again tomorrow. 

I was talking to a friend yesterday who mentioned having gone on a medication for ADD.  I found myself hanging on her every word because when she was describing the calming effect the medications had on her, in sounded like heaven. This same friend has gently suggested to me in the past that I read a certain book…about ADD, and that hmm, ummm…perhaps I might fit the bill. 

I might.

I had always thought of ADD as an inability to sit still, or to focus…as hyperactivity. I never realized that there are people with ADD who do not display outward symptoms in this way at all. They can actually appear outwardly calm. People with ADD are even capable of hyper-focus if something holds their interest. All of the busyness is inside their heads. This can actually look like a calm dreaminess…like somone who is lost in thought (and they often are).

It can manifest as a lack of mental focus, and as distraction, irrtability, disorganization, anxiety, depression and exhaustion.

Do you know what can also manifest as a lack of mental focus, and as distraction, irritability, disorganization, anxiety, depression and exhaustion?

Grief. 

So…I don’t think now is the right time for me to seek an official diagnosis on the ADD front. For now I am going to just try to be gentle with myself.

It feels like I have a bowling ball sitting on my chest….and my mind is spinning…so I am pinned here listening to myself spin. 

Brutal.

I miss my dad. With each day that we step closer to the holidays and the anniversary of his death, I seem to ache more. I don’t want to face it…

That day. The days just before. The days just after. Can we skip them all?

And…the Elephant has me really scared. He seems to be taking up more and more of the room. He won’t be ignored.

I know I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other. To keep using strategies to calm myself – writing things down to ease my anxiety about forgetting, taking space for myself when I can (hot baths are amazing in this capacity), trying to get in as many hugs and laughs as I can squeeze into a day (without forcing myself to be social when I don’t feel like it…and I often don’t feel like it, to be honest).

It will all be okay.

I can do this.

Just breathe.

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