I stand in front of him, naked and dripping wet. He glances up at me momentarily, reading glasses perched on the end of his nose. Then his phone lights up…another text message. “I have to get this.”

I quietly walk away, wrapping myself in a towel and gathering up my clothes. I am fully dressed when I notice he’s looking at me – at last.

Without pause, I walk over to him and begin removing my clothes, slowly and deliberately baring myself to him all over again. I turn and walk toward the diving platform. I ascend the ladder and stand on the edge of the diving board.

I smile at him. He smiles back.

I fly into the air, executing an elaborate dive.  I come up for air and look to see his reaction.

He isn’t watching.

He didn’t see.

I swim to the edge of the pool and lift myself out. I grab my towel, dry off, and get dressed. He doesn’t look up.

Then, I feel his eyes on me once again.

So I walk over to him and start to undress once more.

This scene plays out over and over, always the same, except each dive becomes more elaborate than the last.

Perhaps a Backflip?

A Jackknife? 

Double gainer loop de loop?

More splash?

Less splash?

Still, he is unimpressed.

I woke up alone in my bed, feeling entirely exposed and…foolish.

I have downplayed the significance of this dream, but it has such an obvious message that I can’t push it out of my mind.

You see, I adore this man…the man from the dream. I dive off the platform for him, again and again.

“Look at me,” I whisper…I plead…I shout…I scream!

Aren’t I smart?

Aren’t I funny?

Aren’t I kind?

Aren’t I beautiful? 

Can’t I make you HAPPY?!

I keep climbing the ladder, walking the plank, holding my breath and hoping…

This time he’ll see me.

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POSTSCRIPT:

I actually wrote this entry about a month ago. I told myself I wasn’t publishing it because I didn’t want to embarrass him. Well, that’s a bit silly since (as far as I know) he doesn’t read my blog (which further illustrates my point – He isn’t looking).  Also, what man would be embarrassed by a woman confessing to the world her undying desire for him?

{Besides the fact that anyone who knows me well enough to identify “him” already knows I’ve been a fool for him for years.}

The truth is…I didn’t publish it because at the time I wasn’t ready to stop.

I was still poised for another dive.

For a long (a loooong) time he has been saying to me, “I am not the man for you.” Honestly, I think all that did was to spur me to take up the challenge.

What makes you think you know what’s best for me? I’ll decide that, thank you very much!  

When in reality perhaps what he should have said (and what he meant) was, “YOU are not the right woman for ME.”

I adore this man still, and I want so much happiness for him. I am grateful for the fire he lit in me, long after I had forgotten how that felt.

Nevertheless, it is time to recognize that I will not be the one to sustain his fire. Someday, the right woman will appear before him. As much as I want that for him, I just can’t bear to be standing here naked on the diving board when it happens.

I’m not angry about it, for you can’t be angry at someone for not loving you…or not loving you in the way you’d hoped. Honestly, I don’t even consider my endless pining to have been a waste of my time. In a way, his disinterest protected me from myself. I wasn’t ready to really honor myself within a relationship. I see that now. So, perhaps in his back pocket has not been a terrible place to hide my heart while I’ve done some inner work.

Am I ready now? I don’t know, but I am aware…

First comes the letting go,

Then comes the finding.

 

 

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