Something has happened that has knocked the wind out of my sails…again. Actually, that’s not even an appropriate metaphor. I don’t feel depleted like a sail without wind, I feel incredibly angry. 

At least, yesterday I did. I was so angry that I finally understood the urge to break things. I wanted to walk into my kitchen, grab some wine glasses, and throw them to the floor, watching them shatter into a million pieces.

But then I thought…

Brilliant, then you’ll be angry AND you’ll have shards of glass everywhere to clean up…not to mention having to buy new glasses. 

Damn it, can’t I even rage without being practical?

Fine, then. I’ll just crawl into bed and cry…

Except, we have no food in the house. In fact, remember you made that really creative trail mix to round out the girls lunches this morning?  More like stale mix.  We have nothing for dinner. Nothing to pack for lunches tomorrow….

And so, in my rage…I went grocery shopping…and I was polite, and I acted normal…and when people asked me how I was I said, “Fine, thank you.”

I don’t know whether to be proud or disappointed in myself for seemingly being incapable of wild bursts of emotion. I really don’t. Does it help to scream and rage and break stuff? Do you feel better? Or do you wish you could weigh your anger against the potential of bodily injury and the nutritional needs of your family…and then settle on safety and chocolate cake?

I know they say it isn’t healthy to keep things bottled up. The good news is I’m not bottling it. I’m writing. I’m processing in the ways I know how. Right now that looks like extra sleep, and warm lavender baths. It looks like extra hugs and snuggles from my kids, and chocolate cake. It looks like helping where I can. It looks like accepting help, too.

It looks like love.

I may feel like giving life the middle finger, but I’m not going to let it get the better of me. I am tired, and I am angry, but at the end of the day,

I have to be the light I see by.

img_3976

4 Comments on “Day 179/365 Practical Rage

  1. When I get angry, I yell. Always when I’m alone and at nothing in particular. I find that most of the time my anger bubbles over when I’m in the car. I take out my frustrations on an innocent driver who cut me off, or did something some other minor traffic infraction. I yell at the top of my lungs knowing full well that they can’t hear me. And after, I laugh at myself. At how ridiculous the outburst was. And I feel better. Seriously, like 100% better. I’ve also found that writing works well too. : )

    Like

  2. That’s what I remember most about fresh grief, wanting to go somewhere and throw and BREAK things! Plates, glasses, whatever. Then I read recently that some genius came up with such a place! Rooms where you could go and just rage and break things. I’m sure they’re rare but what a great thing.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: