Lately my moods have been a bit…unpredictable. Sometimes I feel fine, but all it takes is that one tender remark or question to set off the floodgates.

It’s embarrassing.

A couple of weeks ago I was interviewing a job candidate and she asked me, “What is it like to work for you?”

In all honesty I’d normally say working for me is a good gig – I’m even-keeled. I’m patient. Sometimes I give unexpected bonuses or raises, or I randomly buy lunch for everyone. I never say no to time off for a vacation or to make it to an event at their kid’s school.  I want my employees to live a life of balance. I want them to be happy. I am often a sounding board and trusted confidante for their personal and professional struggles. They trust me.

What is it like to work for you?”

The question caught me off guard. All I could think of was the time I’ve taken away from work throughout the past few months due to personal struggles. I thought of all the support and understanding I’ve needed from my co-workers…and I fought back tears. (Why is being a recipent so hard?)

On the one hand I understand that I need to give myself time; to be patient with myself. On the other hand, I know what it’s like to be a light-bringer and to function at a high vibration. It’s a high like no other, when you tap into the universal love and trust in the flow of all things. Life is f’ing good.

I have missed that.

So, I went to a group meditation on Saturday. It was a last minute decision.  The class was a 66 minute Tattva Siddhi meditation.  The idea behind this particular meditation is to “become a beacon” – to shine your light and to feel oneness with others.

“You become as still and silent as a lighthouse.
Grounded firmly on the shore, your presence becomes a beacon. “

I want to be a lighthouse. I want to a be a beacon.

No more of this crying bullshit.

I hopped in my car at the last minute to go, and checked my GPS just to see if I’d make it in time. Nope, I’d be three minutes late. I messaged the studio to say I wouldn’t make it in time.

{Why was I trying to talk myself out of it?}

Come anyway, they said.

I’m not dressed properly, I said.

Come anyway, they said.

We’ll set up a mat and meditation pillow for you.

So I went. I crept in three minutes late, and found my mat. There were about twenty people in the room. Many of them were dressed in meditation clothing, complete with head scarves (I’m sure there’s a name for those but I’m not up on the lingo). Some had yoga clothes on. There I was in my ripped jeans, feeling a bit silly or…disrespectful?

We will have our eyes closed for this entire meditation…” (Oh, thank God.)

We started with some chanting. She said the phrases once, and they were to be repeated three times each. Everyone seemed to know the words (not English, by the way) but me. I peeked to see if there were some sort of cheatsheets with words – something I’d missed because I was late. There weren’t, so I just listened, feeling a bit like an imposter.

The meditation would proceed like this – for eleven minutes we would take four even “sniffs” in, and one breath out. The next eleven minutes we would take five sniffs in, and one breath out – all the way up to nine sniffs.  I assume the idea here is you are so focused on the breathing that your mind can’t run amok.

So we started the meditation. I was ready to be a lighthouse, dammit.

Then I heard it – someone “sniffing” SO loudly.

SNIFF, SNIFF, SNIFF, SNIFF

pause

SNIFF, SNIFF, SNIFF, SNIFF

pause

SNIFF, SNIFF, SNIFF, SNIFF

Really? Is it necessary to sniff so audiby? Am I to be tormented by this sniffing for sixty-six minutes?!

I cracked one eye open to see if I could spot the loud sniffer.  I momentarily considered snuffing him or her with my meditation pillow.

Oh, the irony.

Way to be a lighthouse, Bethany!!

I stifled a giggle.

THE WHOLE POINT OF THIS IS TO SPREAD LIGHT, AND YOU ARE MAKING JOKES ABOUT HOMICIDE.

What is the matter with you?

Okay, breathe. Let it go…

And I did.

I let it go, and whether it took twenty minutes or sixty-five minutes and fifty-nine seconds, I don’t know…but I felt it.

I felt the light and the love FILL the room.

Everyone began to radiate it. It was palpable.

When it was over, we danced.

The people in the meditation garb danced. The people in the yoga gear danced, and the formerly homicidal lady in the ripped jeans danced, too…

Afterwards I stepped into the restroom, leaned against the door and doubled over, sobbing. I was so moved by the whole experience…

And I have felt lighter ever since.

I may not be a lighthouse yet, but I’ll get there…one flicker of light at a time.

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